Office has strange definition of ‘work hard, play hard’

A GROUP of colleagues who claim to work hard and play hard do not appear to do either, it has emerged.

Administrator Tom Logan has been told repeatedly about the ethos but has not seen any evidence of marathon drinking sessions, Class A drug use or anyone working particularly hard.

Logan said: “On my first day the boss said ‘We work hard and play hard here, Tom’ and everyone agreed. Then he left at 4pm to go to the garden centre.

“I was quite nervous because I thought I’d have to work incredibly hard. Also I’ve never taken cocaine so I was scared I’d do it wrong if they offered me some on a depraved night out at a bondage club.

“However after two months we’ve only been to the pub once and everyone left after two drinks. Even the laddish sales guy Pete didn’t fancy a session because he gets up early on Saturday to go cycling.

“I’ve also noticed everyone’s really slack about timekeeping. The HR woman does a full weekly shop every Tuesday morning because she says Sainsbury’s is quietest then.

Co-worker Nikki Hollis said: “At Graham’s leaving do I drank half a bottle of Banrock Station and knocked the peanuts over. That’s pretty hardcore, right?”

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How to talk to a woman wearing an astronaut’s helmet

By Martin Bishop, blogger and author of How to Respectfully Chat to Bitches N Ting

THE cold vastness of space is a surprisingly good place to pull because female astronauts get very lonely and horny.

Here’s how to approach a lady spaceman as she is orbiting the Earth:

– When you meet a female astronaut out in the Earth’s orbit, the first thing you should do is casually knock on the helmet and introduce yourself.

– Their first response may be to tell you “Fuck off” but that’s just them being coy and maybe a little shy. We all know what women are like.

– Persistence is key. So, just casually knock on the helmet again and gesture for them to remove the helmet so you can ask their name.

– They may be worried about the lack of oxygen if they do but that’s just women being women, so just knock again and say you think they’re really cute and that you just want to get to know them better.

– If they start to look annoyed though, then it might be time to break out the big guns. So you just scream right into helmets visor, “I fancy you. I FANCY YOU! Can I have your phone number? Have you seen Game of Thrones? It’s really good isn’t it?” She’s bound to be blown away by your confidence.

– A lot of women like poetry to so this might be good time to casually drop in that you like to write poetry also.

– If they carry on being coy then they’re probably lesbians, so alas you might have to let that one slide and then just drift off into outer space to find an alien woman with nine breasts.