Office pettiness ‘enjoyed by all’

BEING petty in the work place is the main reason people go to work in the morning.

Researchers found that pathetic, work-based squabbles about biscuits, staplers and unwashed cups provided greater incentive than a promotion or a pay rise.

Office worker, Mary Fisher, said: “At home I couldn’t give a flying toss if my husband doesn’t wash his cup straight after using it.

“But at work, it’s like a feast. A huge passive-aggressive feast.”

Fisher explained that she starts by leaving a ‘little note’ and then ‘ramps it up’ by mentioning the unwashed cup while standing next to someone’s desk.

She added: “It makes me feel magnificent.”

Fisher’s colleague Tom Booker said: “Someone brought in a big tin of Roses last Christmas. But I fucking hate this place and everyone in it, so I took out all the purple ones and hid them.

“I didn’t even eat them myself. I just wanted to make sure none of these arseholes did. It was better than sex.”

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London to adopt one in, one out policy

LONDON will only be able to let people in again once someone has left, officials have warned.

Bouncers are patrolling the edges of the city where a crowd has formed behind railings, letting one person in for each person that leaves. However, groups have been warned that they are highly unlikely to all get into London at the same time.

Mayor Boris Johnson said: “We’re looking into ways that we can expand the city, maybe by building another London just above the existing one, connected by ladders.

“But for the time being we can only ask that people are patient. Quite a lot of people have already been in London for ages and look like they might leave soon.”

If London’s population continues to grow at the current rate, it is estimated that by 2020 everyone would have to stay standing at all times in order for everyone to fit.

Martin Bishop, from Finsbury Park, said: “I’m worried if I go to Brighton for the day I’ll never get back in.”