IDS unveils sinister island theme park

IAIN Duncan Smith has invited the first visitors to the island theme park based on his vision of the perfect society.

The man-made island in the Thames estuary features electric fences, rottweilers and machine gun towers to stop people getting in for free.

The work and pension secretary said: “IDS Island is a magical place.

“Every morning at 5am all the disabled people go to work with big smiles on their faces. They know to be happy because otherwise we put triangular wheels on their wheelchairs.

“Everyone has a proper job like breaking rocks and gluing them back together. Or they can work in the punishment centres for people who refuse to participate in rockfare.”

Visitors praised the strong work ethic of IDS Island, although some said the experience was marred by the inescapable smell of roasting meat because 90 percent of the island is fast food outlets.

Tom Logan, a hard-working taxpayer, said: “Some aspects did seem a bit pointless. Is ‘dog puncher’ a real job?”

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New app to help you find daytime drinking buddies

A NEW Tinder-style phone app is helping people find compatible daytime drinking partners.

‘Snifter’ allows users to share their profiles with like-minded people who just want to get nicely drunk before five o’clock.

Tom Logan, from Stevenage, said: “I was having a day off and was in the mood for a proper afternoon session, but all my friends were at work.

“I went on Snifter and found a bloke in a pub near me who had similar interests and really enjoyed getting pissed in the afternoon, so I sent him a ‘sniff’, which is an emoticon in the shape of a pint.

“Twenty minutes later we were happily getting pissed together. No romance, no friendship. Just two blokes getting hammered during the day.”

Snifter’s designer Stephen Malley said: “You can tailor it so white wine drinkers can hook-up and split the cost of the bottles. Real Ale fans can get comfy next to the fire and then forget each other’s names.

“And you can add a ‘frowny face’ emoticon to pubs that refuse to serve you because you’re so drunk.”