Ofgem asked what the f**k?

WITH energy bills expected to rise by £800 to a price cap of £2,800 in October, Ofgem have been asked what the actual f**k?

Worried Britons already struggling with the cost of living crisis would like the energy regulator to tell them where the shitting Christ they are meant to find the best part of another grand.

Helen Archer, from Swindon, said: “I mean, what more can be said than ‘What the bloody f**k, you total f**kers?’

“Energy bills have already gone up by an average £700 this year. Where am I meant to find another £800? Pull it out of my arse? Because that’s pretty much the only solution I can come up with.

“Privatisation was meant to provide us with cheap, competitively-priced energy. That would definitely happen, so you’d think there wouldn’t be much justification for fleecing us for several hundred more quid. Apart from naked greed on the part of shareholders, obviously.

“So again, as regulators of the UK’s gas and electricity markets, Ofgem, I would like to ask you: what the f**king bastarding f**k?”

An Ofgem spokesman said: “It’s a reasonable question. And the answer is, we don’t know. All I can suggest is stop using your heating, lighting, computer, oven and TV.”

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'I’m busy with my hobbies': Six terrible excuses for not having sex

IS your sex life a barren wasteland of involuntary celibacy? Here’s how to unconvincingly claim you’re absolutely fine with that: 

‘I don’t want meaningless one-night stands’

Only makes sense if abandoning a lifestyle of regular one-night stands. Which you haven’t. It’s as convincing as a fox going into an empty henhouse and saying: ‘Actually I was thinking of going vegan anyway. It’s better for the environment.’

‘I’ve got a lot of hobbies’

And as we all know, going for long walks with the Ramblers Association is every bit as exciting as sex. That’s why teenage boys spend every waking minute thinking about losing their Cheddar Gorge hike virginity. If your sexual needs are being met by mountain biking, you’ve gone astray and give your seat a good wipe.

‘I’m waiting for the right person’

Simply waiting for something to happen is not a great strategy, whether it’s a free pizza being mistakenly delivered or you’re Stalin in 1941. You’ve got to be realistic – and that may mean lowering your standards from a Gal Gadot lookalike into blowjobs and watching you build Airfix kits.

‘I’m playing the field’

Check you are actually doing this. Being single while pulling once every decade isn’t ‘playing the field’, it’s ‘being massively deluded’. Women rarely say they are ‘playing the field’, either due to society’s double standards or realising it’s bullshit.

‘I wouldn’t want to bring children into this world’

This is putting the cart before the horse, or rather the child before the shag, and the state of the world is a truly lame excuse. The kid’s chances of not dying in a nuclear or environmental holocaust are actually decent. It’s the kind of crap pompous Guardian readers come out with so frankly sex shouldn’t be a problem because there’s enough of them about.

‘I’ve got great friends’

But you can’t f**k them. Unless you’re a heterosexual bloke with a very understanding relationship with Dave, Gav and Darts Andy. Really it suggests you’ve given up because of lack of sexual confidence, but look at the losers who do get a shag. You’d be quite a catch for those sweaty, misshapen, boring lard-arses, so get out there.