THE Guardian last night told David Cameron that they really thought he would have resigned by now.
As the phone scandal thing was declared boring again, editor Alan Rusbridger said many of his journalists had been working up to six hours a day and the prime minister’s refusal to stand down was now actually quite rude.
He added: “But we’ve written all this stuff. Come ooooooon.
“What if, right, you resign – and maybe say you’d have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for that pesky Guardian – and then I say that you’ve done the honourable thing and that you’re actually a really nice person?
“Oh stop being a dick.”
Labour ‘leader’, Ed Miliband, added: “I’ve done like 27 interviews and made a big speech in parliament, which, for someone like me, is really nerve-wracking. All my friends said he would have resigned by now and then I’d get to be prime minister for a bit. I’m very upset.”
Downing Street apologised to the Guardian and the Labour Party and said they understood their frustration but stressed there is not much they can do as long as polls continue to suggest that real humans could not give a tuppeny fuck.
Meanwhile the scandal has also reached the crucial point where everyone is just saying any old shit on the basis that some child-brained Guardian reader will believe them.
Nick Raynsford, a man there is absolutely no reason you should have heard of, said a civil servant who fell out with his boss thought someone had gone though his bins and therefore it must have been ordered by Andy Coulson.
He was backed by security expert Tom Logan, who added: “The way the rubbish was spread around the pavement means that Mr Coulson had clearly ordered a crack team from MI7 to raid this man’s dustbin. Unless it was a fox.
“Or a seagull.”
Julian Cook, professor of privacy invasion at Roehampton University, said: “Strangely enough Nick Raynsford was a local government minister when Labour gave councils the power to rake through your bins ‘to make sure you were recycling properly’.”
Alan Rusbridger added: “Andy Coulson shot my grandmother with a harpoon.
“Why won’t the prime minister resign?”
Phone scandal thingy round-up: Day 14,0010
David Cameron obviously spent most of 2010 talking to a Murdoch about BSkyB.
Murdoch’s Fox News had a ‘black ops’ department where mental patients would be forced to write all the news bulletins.
It emerged the police have widened their investigation to include other newspapers, meaning the issue is now suddenly less important than Amanda Holden’s new lip gloss.