Old hippyish man who didn't murder anyone dies

AN OLD bearded man, who was around in the 60s but didn’t do any murders, has died.

Roy Hobbs, who was the exact same age as Charles Manson, passed away peacefully after a life of being a generally decent person and certainly not a homicidal maniac.

Neighbour Mary Fisher said: “Roy enjoyed gardening and looking after his cat. Once a week he got the bus into town to go shopping and have a cup of tea in a cafe.

“Sometimes he would try getting me to read a book called Chariots of the Gods and his house smelled of burned mung beans, but apart from that he was just a good guy.

“It’s a shame his relatives didn’t visit as much as they might have done. Maybe people would have given him more attention if he’d been an evil bastard who did loads of utterly horrible crimes.”

She added: “He definitely took acid, if that helps.”

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'We're very lucky' say couple who clearly mean 'we're amazing'

A SUCCESSFUL couple have put it all down to luck while also not wanting you to believe that.

Rich people Emma Bradford and Stephen Malley confirmed they have had a huge amount of luck in their business and personal lives, although they deserve it because they are amazing.

Bradford said: “We are so lucky to have twelve types of high quality soap in the largest of our four bathrooms, and we wear a lot of white billowy clothing.

“Our large portfolio of coastal property is nothing to do with us being amazing. We don’t think we’re amazing.

“Although if you wanted to draw that conclusion, from our good taste and lucrative protein milkshake business, it would be entirely up to you.”

Stephen Malley said: “We really appreciate our good fortune in coming from good families, good schools, and being good-looking.

“And now we want to share that sense of gratitude. By telling you about it.”