Old woman in Tesco reduced section will drop you for 10p pack of sausage rolls

AN 79-YEAR-OLD in Tesco’s reduced section will end you if you get between her and a 10p pack of sausage rolls, she has confirmed.

Pensioner and food hoarder Mary Fisher considers the reduced section to be her territory and is more than happy to take down anyone who disagrees.

She said: “I don’t believe in out-of-date food and I don’t believe anything should cost more than ten bob and those beliefs meet here.

“So if you think you’re going to pick up that 24-pack of chicken dippers for 46p while I’m around, I’d advise you to think about how much you’d miss your front teeth.

“Single mums, refugees, don’t care. It is mine.”

Shelf-stacker Helen Archer said: “Technically, she shouldn’t be allowed to empty the entire section into her trolley every single night.

“But she’s an 79-year-old woman. She knows she’s not going to prison even if she hits you with a sock full of coins.”

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Last adult onesie destroyed in controlled explosion

THE last remaining all-in-one adult garment in the UK has been blown to smithereens in front of a cheering crowd.

Demolition experts were called in to deal with the former fashion item, using dynamite and shaped charges to safely destroy it without endangering an applauding audience wearing age-appropriate clothing.

Safety manager Roy Hobbs said: “Normally we deal with ugly, unwanted buildings that everyone’s decided should be erased as if they never existed, so we were the natural choice for this.

“And I have to say it’s a real honour to destroy this fleecy monstrosity which is a potent symbol of everything that was wrong with us back in 2012.

“It’s a powerful act, showing the world that we’ve turned our back on a shameful time when it was acceptable for a grown adult to wear a giant all-in-one like a crapping baby.”

He added: “Was there anyone in it when we blew it up? I don’t know. Does it matter?”