Old school acquaintance acting like you were friends

A FORMER school classmate is behaving as if you had a much closer relationship than was actually the case.

After bumping into 34-year-old Norman Steele in a bar, he warmly embraced you and made a huge fuss, despite only exchanging about two sentences with you at school.

Steele, who seemed vaguely okay as a kid although you had no mutual friends, went on to tell a string of anecdotes involving people you were only ever vaguely aware of.

He said: “I’ve got a couple of kids with Gemma Cooke now. You remember her, obviously. Course you do.

“It was mental, wasn’t it? All the stuff that happened at school. Like when George Price did a shit on that lad’s coat.

“Let’s have loads of Sambucas. I’ll get them.”

The conversation ended with Steele insisting on taking your phone number, then immediately texting ‘Remember Mr Stanley? Wasn’t he a right TWAT!’

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Even the BNP hates me

Dear Holly,

I am such a git that even the BNP hates me. Is it too late for me to change my ways and be a nicer person? I’d do anything for a friend, provided they are indigenous to the British Isles, of course.

Nick Griffin


Dear Nick,

It’s not nice being a Billy-no-mates. People snigger at your rubbish clothes and in class they call you names behind your back and stick Post-It notes with cartoon willies on you when you’re not looking. At lunchtime you cry into your yoghurt, nobody sits next to you on school trips and your only sort-of-friend is a dinner lady who pities you. But that’s just the price you pay for being a teacher, I suppose.

Hope that helps,