Sober October deferred until No-Drink November

DRINKERS who vowed not to touch alcohol for one month have decided to delay the pledge for 30 days or so.

After enthusiastically embracing the idea of abstinence throughout October, thousands have now realised that the following month would probably be better.

Sales manager Martin Harper said: “October is not really a good month because of Oktoberfest which, on a cosmic scale, cancels out Sober October.

“In fact it’s best to drink heavily for the time being, what with the promise I’ve made not to touch a single drop during ‘No Drink November’.”

Office worker Eleanor Shaw also swore she would go without drink for a month. However, when she remembered she had children, she realised there was no option but to open a bottle of Pinot Grigio at noon. 

She said: “Actually, I don’t think I’ll be ready by November. I might have to leave it until  ‘Just A Lime And Soda For Me February’.

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Mark E Smith closing in on escaped Fall member

THE Fall frontman Mark E Smith is close to recapturing an escaped bass guitarist who has been on the run for several days.

Recently recruited bassist Roy Hobbs escaped from a 72-hour recording session by hiding at the bottom of a skip containing Smith’s empties, but has since been run to ground in a barn near Eccles.

Smith said: “The crafty bugger must have got away while I was having a fight with the keyboard player during the recording of our new single Hex Linoleum Endoscopy.

“Unfortunately for him, after 30 years of band members trying to flee I’m better at hunting people down than the Gestapo, who are a bunch of ponces who wouldn’t last five minutes in a pub fight in Hulme, by the way.

“When I catch Logan he’s got two choices. He can come back and finish the album, or he can be tied to a chair in my kitchen while I list every single thing that gets on my tits.

“That covers pretty much everything from the ancient Egyptians to not being allowed to smoke on buses anymore, so I think I know which he’ll choose.”

Smith is notorious for his troubled relations with other band members, with the 1995 album Futurist Cake Museum only being completed after the departure of 12 guitarists, four drummers and a xylophonist.

Smith said he now planned to play all the instruments on the next album himself, before digressing into a confusing diatribe linking Simon Cowell and William of Orange, both of whom were “wankers”.