Old white man not sure why he isn't massively powerful

AN 81-YEAR-OLD white man is confused about why he isn’t running the world.

Widower Roy Hobbs spends his days gardening and watching documentaries about bridges that got blown up in the war, but he would happily control the stock market and hold governments in the palm of his hand.

He said: “Apparently old white men run the world, but I can’t even get someone round to fix my boiler.

“I wouldn’t mind being a business kingpin or head of some secret banking society, making decisions that influence the lives of millions. Not that I’m particularly into those things, but it’d give me an excuse to chat to more people.

“A bit of power might be good though. In my big office I’d be like ‘bring me some Hob Nobs!’ and bang my fist against my massive desk.

“Then a young lad would appear with Hob Nobs and a cup of tea that is neither too milky nor too strong.

“But perhaps that level of influence would corrupt me and I’d end up demanding crab paste sandwiches with the crusts removed. That’s when you know you’ve lost it.”


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'I'm 27 with a six-figure salary – how much do you hate me?'

INTERNET start-up director Tom Logan, aged 27, earns £140,000 a year and wants to know how angry that makes you.  

Logan, who is asking for investment advice just as an excuse to show off, would love to know exactly how much of a bitter failure you feel while looking at his smug, youthful face. 

He continued: “Fortnight in Bora Bora this summer, snowboarding in Aspen in Feb. Breathing hard? 

“It’s really tough, because of course I’m so young and all my clothes fit me and I can stay up all night partying and still function the next day, and I’ve still got cash to spare. 

“Should I invest it in property? Shares? If only I could invest it in your spiralling blood pressure as you read this, because that is going up and up and up. 

“Getting a private pension isn’t in anyone’s 30 things to do before you’re 30, but I’ve already done all that stuff. Wow, your eyes. They are fiery with impotent rage.” 

Logan added: “I need my investments to be earning me seven figures annually. There are people out there who don’t loathe me yet.”