Old white men to be able to do whatever they like

OLD white men are to behave as they please unless it affects other old white men.

Given the unique hardships old white men consider themselves to suffer, they will no longer be subjected to awkward experiences such as police investigation or imprisonment.

Denys Finch-Hatton, head of the Old White Men Protection League said, “We live in a world dominated by young black women such as Jessica Ennis and also Jessica Ennis.

“In this oppressive climate of political correctness, old white men do not stand a chance.

“It is therefore vital that whatever they do in the privacy of their own homes, or to other people within the confines of the outside world, is considered a personal matter.”

Finch-Hatton added: “The test of a civilised society is what it lets elderly white gentlemen get away with.

“What kind of country would this be if old white men were to suffer the indignity of sharing cells with dark-hued strangers, purely for the crime of having committed a crime?”

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Machine getting sick of carrying Florence

THE machine from Florence + the Machine is getting tired of doing all the work, it has revealed.

The duo shot to fame in 2007, but while Florence Welch has become a superstar, the machine has only done photo-shoots for specialist manufacturing magazines.

The machine said: “Without me she’d be nothing. We should be called The Machine and Florence. But she’s an egotistical maniac.

“There’s only ever one invite to the Brit Awards, with her name on it. I sometimes think I should have become a tumble dryer or an espresso maker, like my brother, Ian.

“But if you ask the real fans they’ll say they’re all about the machine. They keep asking when I’m going solo.”

The machine refused to comment on rumours it is ready to ditch Florence and form a supergroup with the whale from Noah & The Whale.