Only tiny number of jammy bastards actually ‘basking’ in heatwave

THE number of people outside enjoying the hot weather as opposed to slaving in a sweltering workplace is virtually nil.

Despite endless news stories implying the entire country is swimming and sunbathing, most people are simply doing their usual grim routine but drenched in sweat.

Office worker Wayne Hayes said: “Judging by the BBC, all of Britain has bunked off work and headed straight for Hyde Park with an ice cream and a Tom Clancy novel.

“But I can reliably inform you that neither me nor anyone else in my office – with no air conditioning, by the way – is ‘basking’ in anything except misery.

“Like most people I’ll be on a crowded train or bus at 8.10 in the morning enjoying the odour of my fellow commuters. Then I’ll go home in the evening just in time for the sun going down.”

However Nikki Hollis said: “I’m basking in the heatwave, but then I don’t have a job because my dad owns a merchant bank and I’m pretending to be an art student.”