Only tiny number of jammy bastards actually 'basking' in heatwave

THE number of people outside enjoying the hot weather as opposed to slaving in a sweltering workplace is virtually nil.

Despite endless news stories implying the entire country is swimming and sunbathing, most people are simply doing their usual grim routine but drenched in sweat.

Office worker Wayne Hayes said: “Judging by the BBC, all of Britain has bunked off work and headed straight for Hyde Park with an ice cream and a Tom Clancy novel.

“But I can reliably inform you that neither me nor anyone else in my office – with no air conditioning, by the way – is ‘basking’ in anything except misery.

“Like most people I’ll be on a crowded train or bus at 8.10 in the morning enjoying the odour of my fellow commuters. Then I’ll go home in the evening just in time for the sun going down.”

However Nikki Hollis said: “I’m basking in the heatwave, but then I don’t have a job because my dad owns a merchant bank and I’m pretending to be an art student.”

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Brexit summit to be less intellectually stimulating than Love Island

TODAY’S Brexit summit will contain fewer intelligent arguments than Love Island, experts believe.

The top-level meeting is meant to hammer out the Brexit position that was needed 18 months ago, but is more likely to be an endless bitchfest between annoying characters.

Political analyst Donna Sheridan said: “The similarities with Love Island are striking. People like Boris Johnson will just be there to promote themselves and ‘win the show’ by becoming PM.

“The Brexiters will almost certainly form a temporary clique based on hating Philip Hammond. Right now they’re probably all bitching about him and he’s gone into the toilets to cry.

“Much like Love Island nothing useful or worthwhile will be achieved, but at least we won’t have to see these fuckers in trunks and bikinis.”

Environment minister Michael Gove said: “I ain’t got time for fake people, right? Who like say they’re into Brexit but they’re lying? That’s just like who I am, ya feel me?”

Love Island viewer Martin Bishop said: “I never thought I’d say this, but our best hope is probably to send Danny Dyer in to sort it the fuck out.”