Open plan restaurants ‘not delivering enough chef carnage’

CHEFS working in open plan kitchens should have more amusing painful mishaps, according to restaurant customers.

The trend for restaurants removing the wall between kitchen and diners has raised customers’ hopes of seeing angry white-clad perfectionists accidentally setting their hair on fire.

Self-styled ‘foodie’ Roy Hobbs said: “It’s boring seeing your meal being cooked if it is going well. You at least want a sous chef slicing off the tip of his thumb and yelling ‘cocksucker’ so loud all the kids in the restaurant ask what that means.

“Obviously you don’t want anything really nasty so that they have to go to hospital. Chefs are people too, plus I don’t want my dinner delayed.”

Open-plan London restaurant The Immensely Hot Grill has become the first eatery to guarantee kitchen staff will have some sort of memorable incident.

A spokesman said: “We wanted the customers to be able to smell the grilling beef and also the sous chef’s smouldering hand as he picks up a red-hot pan handle.

“We have a policy of only employing speed freaks on the edge of sanity, and our team really hates each other. Last night the chefs had a knife fight.

“Nothing serious of course, a few stitches here and there, but everyone in the restaurant was cheering and someone on TripAdvisor described it as ‘the best dining experience of my know-all life’.”

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Major says SNP like Edwina Currie but without the raw sexual energy

FORMER prime minister John Major has claimed the SNP is like Edwina Currie, but in a bad way.

Major warned the Scottish Nationalists would bring chaos, but not the crazy, exciting chaos of being in a locked room with the former junior health minister.

In a speech to Tory activists he said: “It was properly mental.

“I didn’t know what was going to happen next. Would it be fast and hungry, or would she take charge in a way that left me terrified and exhilarated?

“Rollercoaster ride does not even begin to do it justice. Unless you’ve been on a rollercoaster with an insane, sexually voracious leopard.

“Crazy times.”

He added: “Anyway, where was I?”