Opening ceremony a 'good time to bury bad Newcastle'

THE government plans to bulldoze Newcastle while the nation’s attention is on the opening of the Olympic Games.

The top-secret scheme, codenamed ‘Operation Biffa Brown Ale’, was revealed in a leaked memo last night and will see the economically-challenged city razed to the ground, then replaced with a llama park.

An extract from the document reads: “We are talking about a city of woebegotten, boat-greeting lard addicts who as a species very probably only crawled out of the sea about 120 years ago.

“They will have 45 minutes notice to bundle together their belongings – in which shirts do not figure highly – then go find somewhere else to infest, preferably North of the border or beyond.”

The government had planned to save some of the more interesting features of Newcastle, but has since decided to trash the lot.

Special advisor Eleanor Shaw said: “Actually, all you’re left with once you’re razed the useless bits is that bridge. And when all’s said and done, it’s just a fucking bridge. Might as well bury that too.

“What’s the point in being in Government if we can’t make a difference?”

Emma Bradford, head of the Newcastle Tourist board said: “No one has consulted us about this scheme, which many in Newcastle will find quite offensive.

“We have a great deal to offer here, including multi-storey car parks which are the equal of any in London or Birmingham.”

Despite growing evidence to the contrary, David Cameron continues to deny the demolition plans. He said: “These ideas are very much at the think tank stage, there are no immediate plans to bury Newcastle in its own soil, rubber and cesspipes – however noxious and overflowing they might be.

“I would advise everyone in Newcastle to just keep their eyes glued to the telly this evening, although if they should notice the ground shaking it’s probably best to embrace the Olympic spirit and run.”



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I was wondering if I would be suitable for the Paralympics, seeing as I am colourblind?

Dear Holly,

I was wondering if I would be suitable for the Paralympics, seeing as I am colourblind?


Dear Wayne,

We staged our own Olympics at playtime the other day, and ours was even better because we allowed both disableds and ableds to take part together because children aren’t prejudiced like adults. It was all going swimmingly until Aisha Patel got her wheelchair caught in a hurdle and we had to leave her on her side blocking the track, and then Matthew Potterton (who is partially disabled due to his recent circumcision) didn’t stop in time during the one hundred meters sprint and crashed into Aisha, causing some distress to her as well as his already tender privates. Matthew’s injury meant his mum withdrew her sponsorship offer of a Chupa Chup for every participant.

Hope that helps!