Our Parents Won't Share Their Vodka, Kids Tell Childline

A CHILDREN’S helpline has been bombarded with calls from youngsters
claiming their parents are excluding them from impromptu afternoon

Childline said it was being contacted by over 100 children a day who said they were being left to mix their own drinks or even make do with a bottle of continental lager until their parents came home from the pub with a carry out.

Kyle, a six year-old from Doncaster, told the charity: “It’s three o’clock on a Tuesday afternoon and I’m sitting here drinking fucking sherry while they’re necking peach flavoured vodka and passing round a big bowl of pills.

“My mummy says I’m too young for an afternoon vodka party and that I should drink my sherry in a one-er and then go and play with the gas barbecue until it’s time for gin and tonics.”

He added: “Make them give me vodka or I’ll set fire to Esther Rantzen.”

Meanwhile some children have complained that their parents can no longer drink as much as they used to.

Four year-old Gemma Logan wrote to Childline saying: “My Dad can’t handle his booze any more. Last week we split a bottle of Glenmorangie and were having a really interesting discussion about politics until he started getting all maudlin and tearful.

“If he keeps killing my buzz, can I go and live with a new family?”

Childcare expert, Dr Helen Archer, said: “A lot of parents ask me ‘when is the best time to start giving my children alcohol or drugs?’. And of course the answer is almost always never.

“Unless of course you think they can handle it, in which case start them off with half a Chinese spangle or mix a large glass of good quality Calvados into their squeezy cheese.”

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West Brom To Reform As Jazz Band

WEST Bromwich Albion have abandoned football and are to regroup as a Dixieland jazz band.

Following the 6-0 defeat by Chelsea, manager Roberto Di Matteo and the majority of his squad will be replaced this week by Kenny Ball and his Jazzmen.

Ball is expected to put striker Ishmael Miller on the transfer list and replace him upfront with 76 year-old trombonist Johnny Bennett who has not scored a goal since he was 12 but is the undisputed master of syncopated swing.

Chairman Jeremy Peace said: “We hope to overwhelm the opposition with our ragtime break-outs and are already working on a 4-4-2 version of Hold That Tiger.”

Albion’s traditional black and white kit will be replaced with straw boaters and red and white striped shirts with those elasticated things that hold the sleeves up, while a 40-foot bandstand will be built in the centre circle at The Hawthorns.

Peace admitted: “While this is not a team that was meant to play football, that doesn’t mean we can’t counter Arsenal or Man United with a snazzy, Bourbon Street rendition of When The Saints Go Marchin’ In.”

Meanwhile, after the opening weekend of the new premier league season, Chelsea are sitting proudly at the top of the table just ahead of Hot Air, Pointless Conjecture and Out and Out Folderol.

There was also a strong start from The Concept That Any of it Matters in the Slightest and a 2-0 win for Utterly Baseless Extrapolations Based on One Fucking Game.

Footballologist, Wayne Hayes, said: “As expected, a Sense of Perspective and Measured Analysis look set to struggle this season, but it’s another cracking start for Andy Gray Sounding Like a Nervous Old Lady Who’s Just Sat on a Traffic Cone.”