Outdoors not as good as indoors

AVOID ever going outside, experts have warned.

Research by the Institute for Studies found that, unlike indoors, the exterior world does not have controllable temperatures, padded seating or drawers full of chocolate.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The purpose of the exterior world is for twats like Bear Grylls to make telly programmes about it.

“The outdoors doesn’t have a roof on it, which is why it’s always raining or snowing. The streets and hedgerows are full of old plastic bags, cans and crisp packets.

“There are crisp packets in my house too, but they have crisps in them.”

Emma Bradshaw, from Stevenage, said: “I work from home and the last time I left the house was just before New Year’s Eve.

“I’ve stuck my head out of the front door a couple of times, it was so dark I couldn’t see a fucking thing.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

You are with SodaStream or you are with the terrorists, says Johansson

SCARLETT Johansson has defined the modern world as a battle between SodaStream and evil.

The actress quit as an Oxfam ambassador and accused the aid organisation of blocking SodaStream’s campaign to bring cheap, homemade fizzy drinks to millions of poor people.

And she insisted that SodaStream’s factory in the occupied West Bank was humanity’s ‘last, best hope’ against ugly, extremist charities.

Johansson said: “Unlike Oxfam and terrorism, the SodaStream farty noise makes me giggle every time.

“When I’m all hot and sticky, nothing cools me down like SodaStream. I love to giggle and make SodaStream while I prance around in just my underpants.

“Oxfam hates freedom and refreshment and does not look good in underpants.”

Johansson added: “Give a man a bottle of lemonade and he drinks for a day. Give him a SodaStream and he drinks lemonade for life.

“As long as he has a fresh water supply and no-one bulldozes his house.”