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Paddington, and five other icons of quirky Britishness that can f**k off now

OUR culture is full of wonderful creations the public once had great affection for who have been overused to the point we now hate them. All these need to piss off: 

Paddington Bear

Once a beloved icon of children’s literature, revived in two magical films, but there’s no coming back after you’ve sold out to have afternoon tea with the Queen. The last film was crap and his plastic replicas on town centre benches are regularly pissed on by students. Post-Baftas, he should be banished to Cyprus in cultural exile like Kevin Spacey.

Harry Potter

The books were enjoyable when you were a kid and didn’t know any better. The films were decent before you learned about acting and that Daniel Radcliffe couldn’t. The Fantastic Beasts films and JK Rowling’s transphobia gave everyone an excuse to walk away forever. It would be irresponsible not to take advantage of it.

Doctor Who

Sixty-odd years is a good innings for a TV show. It gave audiences bangers like Genesis of the Daleks and Blink, but it subjected them to the Colin Baker era, an EastEnders crossover and Russell Davies’s reimagining of the whole of time and space as subservient to the ideals of woke. Let it die. Maybe come up with something new instead?

Peter Rabbit

Not quite as overused as the others – mercifully, we’ve yet to see the announcement of a shared Beatrix Potter cinematic universe – but what was once a mischievous rabbit became an ASBO arsehole tarnished with the vocal talents of James Corden. Plus he’s anti-farmer so his next appearance will be death by shotgun live on Clarkson’s Farm. 

James Bond

They can’t find an actor because the whole concept is anachronistic bollocks. All Bond films are good for is a theme song and padding out the ITV2 schedule on a Bank Holiday weekend. Even in the world of 007 everyone was so tired of him they killed him off.

The Royals

Tolerable when the Queen was still around, like everyone had a gran they’d briefly pay attention to at Christmas if they couldn’t find the remote. But she’s gone, Andrew’s misdeeds have not coincidentally now come to light, it’s time to declare the whole sorry farce over. Kate can stay on as the nation’s Head Girl if she wants.

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'What is my crime? Forwarding emails? Forwarding a few harmless emails?'

PETER Mandelson has told police he cannot be charged with a crime for forwarding emails to a friend as this would make the whole white-collar world criminal. 

The former Lord, MP for Hartlepool, business secretary, EU commissioner for trade and ambassador to the US told police if he were arrested for this, every office worker forwarding an gif of a cat skidding on ice would be equally guilty.

He continued: “Yes, I forwarded those emails to Jeffrey Epstein within 22 minutes of receiving them. Because I’m efficient.

“I suppose some did say they were confidential, but does not every email have a similar disclaimer on its base? Does that stop Robert in procurement from forwarding an email about holiday requests to his wife, adding the header ‘look at this f**king bullshit’?

“This is not a police matter. This is an HR matter, at most, and even then would not rise to the level of ‘written warning’. Why would the forward arrow be there if not to be used? And so akin to the reply arrow.

“A billionaire was alerted that UK assets would be available before if was announced. Have you never heard of a pre-sale? Would you rather I had alerted a pauper?”

Inspector Joe Turner of the Metropolitan Police said: “We can’t charge him. It would entail thinking long and hard about when Gordon Brown was prime minister, and nobody wants to do that.”

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