Painfully slow barista wants you to know they control your life

A COFFEE shop barista taking an inordinate amount of time to froth your latte wants you to know that for these two minutes, she owns you.

Nikki Hollis has perfected giving passive-aggressive looks over a steaming pipe, and making it clear she is absolutely going to stick to her routine, no matter whatever meeting you need to get to.

Hollis said: “Sometimes I take so long to pack the beans down, I can see visible rivulets of sweat running into the customer’s eyes. I never feel so alive. You may be trying to get to your spreadsheet, or your kids or your mistress, but this is my time.”

While delivering an order, Hollis has been known to wipe down every single surface, pick the dirt from her nails, and flirt with every one of her colleagues, all while retaining direct eye contact with the customer.

Hollis, who once served an Americano so slowly, it was cold before hitting the counter, added: “You may call it a powerplay. I call it reminding you that there are more important things in life than coffee. Like me not giving you coffee. Beg for it, you little bitch.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Idiot joins in with wife's criticism of her best friend

AN absolute bloody idiot has joined in his wife’s tirade against her best friend.

Lulled by Emma Bradford’s increasingly vociferous attack on childhood friend Lucy Watson, Ian Bradford waded in with a couple of barbs that he immediately regretted profoundly.

He said: “I thought it was open season.

“As I pointed out all Lucy’s annoying flaws from the pretentious way she pronounces Spanish words to her snotty laugh, a stony silence descended and I realised I’d overstepped.

“I’ll return to making a kind of supportive bleating noise and offering absolutely no thoughts of my own.”

Emma Bradford said: “I may disapprove of literally everything Lucy says and does, but I’ll defend her to the death if anyone but me slags her off.

“Naturally I’ll be calling Lucy immediately to relay Ian’s disgraceful attack while leaving out any of the context.”