FEELING close to your neighbours since lockdown? Undo all of that goodwill by pissing them off using one of these methods:
Paint your house an obnoxious colour
Unless you live somewhere famous for it like Bristol, painting your house anything other than a tasteful shade of white or beige will infuriate your neighbours into twitching their curtains at you whilst muttering darkly about house prices. You may even get a reputation for being a worshipper of the occult, if your cul-de-sac Facebook group is bored enough.
Have a huge extension built
Spend all the money you saved during lockdown on extending both outwards and upwards. Months of noisy building work and tradesmen’s vans taking up the parking spaces will get on everyone’s tits. Your neighbours will retaliate by sneaking all the shit they can’t be arsed to take to the tip into your skip in the dead of night.
Get heavily into DIY
If you can’t afford experts, take on a mammoth DIY task that you’re incapable of, for example re-tarmacing the drive. Buy a jackhammer and spend every weekend making a hideous racket whilst you slowly dig out the concrete, before heating up some stinking tar and getting it on your neighbour’s car.
Use your garden as a rubbish dump
Nothing ruins the good character of a street more than a front garden full of bin bags, broken toys, plastic patio furniture and a car on bricks. Inviting your friends over to drink cans in the mess before setting some of it on fire will add to the unpleasant ambience and have your neighbours calling the police.
Start a neighbourhood WhatsApp group
If you didn’t already start one as a result of Covid, why not create one now? After an initial pleasant 20 minutes it will quickly degenerate into a series of passive-aggressive rants about bad parking and unkempt hedges, leading the whole street to hate each other as well as you.