Paranoia now part of national identity

BRITAIN’S national character now includes the belief that everything is an evil conspiracy.

Default mode: scared and angry

The Institute for Studies found that all Britons believe in some sort of hostile plot, even if it was just their neighbour deliberately making his cat shit in their garden.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Britons think life is governed by conspiracies, such as doctors all being in the pay of drug companies, or teachers using GCSEs to advance a secret Marxist agenda.

“These beliefs are now so common that they have become part of Britishness, along with the famed ‘stiff upper lip’, a sense of fair play and eating gentrified American food.”

Professor Brubaker added that he had been unable to dissuade members of the public from being paranoid because they thought all scientists were devious, like Lex Luther or the Mekon.

Office manager Nikki Hollis said: “Everybody’s trying to rip you off these days. Yesterday the cashier in Sainsbury’s said ‘Goodbye’ as I left, which was obviously to distract me from checking my change.

“Politicians are the worst though. My friend Sandra said they’ve started making all the immigrants invisible so you can’t see how many there are, and she knows about these things because she’s in the BNP.”

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Even UKIP supporters admit Mike Read has always been a dick

MIKE Read has been denounced by UKIP supporters old enough to remember Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

The former Radio One breakfast DJ withdrew his ‘UKIP Calypso’ after the party’s supporters agreed that Relax was a pop classic years ahead of its time.

Julian Cook said: “I don’t like foreign things and I use the term ‘EUSSR’, but in January 1984, when Mike Read stopped playing Relax halfway through and called it ‘obscene’, I thought ‘what a fucking twat’.

“I remember going into work and everyone  – everyone – was saying stuff like ‘Mike Read is such a prick’ or ‘imagine having to work with him’.

“And then a few years later he brought out that book of poetry. Jesus Christ…”

Cook admitted UKIP was ‘quite the collection of unusual characters’, but added: “We would ideally have preferred Bruno Brookes or Gary Davies to do a calypso song about the European Union.”