Parents celebrate end of nightmare

PARENTS across the UK are drunkenly celebrating the end of a summer of hellish full-time childcare.

Their shamelessly adult partying began outside school gates at 9.01am after handing their offspring back to professionals.

Mother of three Carolyn Ryan said: “I waved a two-fingered goodbye to my little darlings, cranked Azealia Banks full blast on the stereo, cracked a bottle of Merlot right there in the car and sucked desperately at the bottle like it was a teat.

“Some other mums got in and we drove to a strip club, which made a refreshing change from overpriced pirate-themed attractions in castles.”

Bill McKay, who has spent half of the last six weeks pretending to be so bad at football that a five-year-old can beat him, said: “Freedom tastes so sweet. I’m going to the pub at half-four. After that, who knows?”

The nation’s children greeted their return to school with equanimity. Eight-year-old Tom Booker said: “If they’d taken me to one more petting zoo I would have strangled a hen, then pretended I didn’t understand why that was a bad thing to do.”