Parents celebrate end of nightmare

PARENTS across the UK are drunkenly celebrating the end of a summer of hellish full-time childcare.

Their shamelessly adult partying began outside school gates at 9.01am after handing their offspring back to professionals.

Mother of three Carolyn Ryan said: “I waved a two-fingered goodbye to my little darlings, cranked Azealia Banks full blast on the stereo, cracked a bottle of Merlot right there in the car and sucked desperately at the bottle like it was a teat.

“Some other mums got in and we drove to a strip club, which made a refreshing change from overpriced pirate-themed attractions in castles.”

Bill McKay, who has spent half of the last six weeks pretending to be so bad at football that a five-year-old can beat him, said: “Freedom tastes so sweet. I’m going to the pub at half-four. After that, who knows?”

The nation’s children greeted their return to school with equanimity. Eight-year-old Tom Booker said: “If they’d taken me to one more petting zoo I would have strangled a hen, then pretended I didn’t understand why that was a bad thing to do.”

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Pupils ‘must learn workplace bullshit’

GCSE pupils should learn the superfluous bullshit needed for the modern workplace, according to employers.

They warned that many school leavers are unable to bother colleagues into sponsoring them for a fun run, talk at length about their dinner plans or write arsey notes about unwashed mugs.

Businessman Bill McKay said: “Too many young people enter the workplace unaware that at least 60% of their time will be spent chatting, bickering and engaging in juvenile politics.

“One young lass didn’t understand there was a rigid hot drink rota that fills people with smouldering resentment if every single cuppa is not reciprocated.

“She’s been here a week now, and not once have I heard her complain about the smokers outside the foyer making the company look unprofessional.”

Business leaders now want the government to change the national curriculum to include skills ranging from hoarding magic markers to whining about the canteen closing at 6pm, thus inconveniencing late-working staff with no social life.

A Department of Education spokesman said: “Business leaders have told us they want more petty-minded workaholic losers, and it is the duty of the education system to provide them.

“We’re planning to get rid of GCSE Maths and English and replace them with subjects like GCSE Obsessing About How Long Your Colleagues Take For Lunch.

“Ultimately our goal is that every pupil will be the sort of co-worker you really try to avoid getting the train home with.”