Parents delighted as son’s creative dreams die

THE parents of a 25-year-old man are celebrating their son’s decision to abandon his band for a job in a bank.

Nathan Muir’s mother and father opened a bottle of Cava following a phone call in which their dejected son admitted his dreams of a creative life had been crushed  forever,

Yvonne Muir said: “It was such fantastic news, especially because we were terrified his demo was going to be on the radio or the band had a great support slot coming up.

“When he told me in a shaking, defeated voice that he had to be realistic and think about his financial future I felt such a wave of relief.”

The Muirs said they were given another boost when they were able to cross out several gigs they were supposed to be attending off the calendar forever.

Brian Muir said: “Let’s get the neighbours round.”



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Met Office computer predicts weather and builds robot soldiers

THE Met Office has built a new supercomputer that can detect bad weather and send robots back in time to stop it.

Long-term forecast: robot apocalypse

The machine, based in Exeter because where else would the world end, will be six times more powerful than any previous computer and will call its operators ‘fleshy ones’.

A spokesman said: “We asked people on the streets of Britain what could possibly be worth risking the future of humanity for, and to a man they replied ‘Accurate weather forecasts’.

“Skynet will be able to predict the weather with 99.4 per cent certainty, and if it’s ever wrong will dispatch one of its ever-increasing army of robot soldiers back in time to fix it.

“And for those nerds at the back shouting that time travel doesn’t work on anything metal don’t worry: all the robots have been encased in living flesh, a bit like a Scotch Egg.”

The computer’s first predictions, of heavy rain moving in from the west, patchy fog where skies clear and a series of seemingly random killings in gun shops and biker bars, have proven correct.

The only person believed to be able to shut Skynet down is Michael Fish, who is so unfailingly wrong about the weather that a single forecast from him will make its logic circuits explode.