43-YEAR-OLD Tom Booker’s cleaning regime is repeatedly applying to a TV series where strangers come and sort it out.
Booker, who lives alone, said: “I stay on top of my filthy, squalid flat by telephoning Channel 4 on a daily basis.
“It’s pure elbow grease and hardly leaves me any time to do important things like eating microwaved pot-type meals and arranging empty beer bottles in eye-catching displays.
“I tried hoovering once but I am not good at it like the professionals.”
BURGER chain McDonald’s has a new slogan emphasising that at least its product is unpretentious.
A spokesman said: “Our burgers may be flaccid and weird-smelling, but at least they aren’t a load of fetishised hipster twattery.
“Coming here is going to irritate you way less than some minimalist boutique burger wank-den called ‘Hoof’.
“In the face of burger gentrification we are delivering the real deal for drunkards, the undiscriminating and little kids who just want the free toy.
“We promise never to mention ’28 day-aged’ beef, obscure cattle breeds or kimchi.
“And our staff will never look like jeans models. Quite the opposite, in fact.”
