Parents’ evening fails to establish who is to blame for child

NOBODY is any the wiser as to why 11-year-old Wayne Hayes is a little shit after a parents’ evening at his school.

Teacher Nikki Hollis had been hoping to discover which of his parents had been most influential in creating a tiny despot. Meanwhile, the Hayes family was hoping to pin the blame on Hollis.

Hollis said: “I was expecting Wayne’s father to get me in a headlock or his mother to wave some hemlock and put a curse on me, but actually they both seemed like functioning human beings.

“They seemed as surprised as me that they had spawned this despicable wank bag.”

Wayne’s father, Gary, said: “We were kind of hoping Miss Hollis would be a complete bitch, but she just seems to be another of Wayne’s victims, just like us.

“We even bonded over our mutual contempt for Wayne and our shared desire to see as little of him as humanly possible.

“At least it’s only a few years before he heads off to university, or college, or prison or something.”

The parents’ evening ended early after Wayne set off the fire alarm by letting off fireworks purchased with money from stolen cigarettes. 

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Man with ‘eclectic’ musical taste unable to name single artist he likes

A MAN claiming to appreciate a wide range of music has been unable to name a specific act or album that he likes.

Self-proclaimed music fanatic Julian Cook said: “I don’t care about genre boundaries – a great record is a great record.”

However when asked to name any album that he loves, Julian replied: “That’s not me. I love it all.

“I’m not going to answer that question because it implies a hierarchy in good music, which is ridiculous when it’s all totally unique.

“But if pressed, maybe that album with the picture of a tree on it.”

Colleague Tom Logan said: “I got suspicious when Julian couldn’t name a single reggae song despite professing to love reggae. He then failed to correct me when I referred to Mumford & Sons as Brooklyn’s top clowncore collective.

“Julian paints himself as some kind of semi-mystical John Peel figure, but the only CD in his car is the most popular Kaiser Chiefs album.

“He’s just a man who lives in fear of mockery.”