NOBODY is any the wiser as to why 11-year-old Wayne Hayes is a little shit after a parents’ evening at his school.
Teacher Nikki Hollis had been hoping to discover which of his parents had been most influential in creating a tiny despot. Meanwhile, the Hayes family was hoping to pin the blame on Hollis.
Hollis said: “I was expecting Wayne’s father to get me in a headlock or his mother to wave some hemlock and put a curse on me, but actually they both seemed like functioning human beings.
“They seemed as surprised as me that they had spawned this despicable wank bag.”
Wayne’s father, Gary, said: “We were kind of hoping Miss Hollis would be a complete bitch, but she just seems to be another of Wayne’s victims, just like us.
“We even bonded over our mutual contempt for Wayne and our shared desire to see as little of him as humanly possible.
“At least it’s only a few years before he heads off to university, or college, or prison or something.”
The parents’ evening ended early after Wayne set off the fire alarm by letting off fireworks purchased with money from stolen cigarettes.