Parents realise child's first birthday party is total waste of time

A CHILD’S first birthday was marked by his parents going out for a meal, they confirmed.

Family friends say Kyle Stephenson was happy with his parent’s decision as there was a babysitter there to dangle a Spongebob toy in front of him and clean his bottom when required.

Kyle’s mum Nikki said: “We wondered what would be the perfect gift for a kid who’s still startled by his own farts and decided it would be tapas.

“A party he’d never remember with other kids we don’t like would have cost about £300, so we were even able to order wine from the middle of the list.”

Kyle’s parents plant to celebrate his second birthday by going to Majorca or Crete while he remains at home with his grandparents.

Nikki added: “You can’t put a price on your child’s happiness, but £10 for a helium balloon with a ‘1’ on it is definitely above that price.”

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New Beyonce album very empowering, say defeated boyfriends

A NEW album by Beyonce is extremely empowering for women, according to boyfriends and husbands who would rather have the telly on. 

Lemonade, released yesterday, has already inspired millions of women to take back control of the stereo from the patriarchy while ordering it to go and get another bottle of prosecco.

Nathan Muir, from Ludlow, said: “Beyonce’s third-wave sex-positive feminism is making real changes in the world, notably my chance of watching The Island with Bear Grylls. 

“Women, by which I mean my girlfriend and her sister, are really engaged with the issues the album raises and have spent roughly six hours since Sunday discussing them on the phone.

“It’s also a visual album with a video for each track, which stops me playing Call of Duty on the laptop.

“I can’t wait to be sent to queue for the drinks when we go to see her on tour.”