Parents thankful that child is just naturally rich

A WELL-off mother and father are feeling grateful that their child has the good fortune to be born wealthy, it has emerged.

Denys Finch Hatton and wife Francesca are relieved that their son Oliver’s life will be filled with opportunity, all because he had the grace and serendipity to be born with an exceptionally large bank balance.

Dad Denys said: “Ollie will never be the tallest kid in class, or the most handsome, or the best at sport. But he will have a second home in the south of France, and to my mind that’s the most important thing.

“While other children are battling over scholarships and bursaries, he’ll breeze through public school paying full fees. It won’t even make a dent in his net worth, the lucky devil.”

Oliver’s mother Francesca added: “I’m delighted to have it confirmed though we always suspected he might be. It’s not the kind of thing they can pick up on a prenatal scan but both Denys and I grew up fabulously privileged, so it makes sense that Oliver would inherit it, too. It’s in our genes.”

“I just hope it doesn’t prevent him from making chums at school. Children can be so cruel. I just hope they’ll see past any surface flaws to pal around with the boy who has both indoor and outdoor swimming pools.”

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'What have I unleashed?' laments first person to put slowed-down pop song in film trailer

THE first person to use a slow, acoustic cover of a pop song in a film trailer has taken a moment to reflect on the horror they have unleashed onto the world.

Hollywood video editor Martin Bishop has been overwhelmed with guilt and regret for using a half-speed version of a hit parade song in a film trailer as part of a desperate bid to get bums on seats.

He said: “It’s hard to believe now, but at the time it was a pretty groundbreaking contrast to the visuals. But I never meant for it to catch on like this. And it’s a burden I’ll carry with me to my grave.

“Like the opening of Pandora’s Box, there’s no going back. The evil I created will stalk this world for the rest of time, forever blemishing songs you used to love like Creep and Smells Like Teen Spirit.

“You can’t even escape my unholy trope by arriving at the cinema ten minutes late. Movie trailers are on your phone now, and even Christmas adverts are getting in on the act. I’d get on my knees and beg for your forgiveness, but I know even that would be too little too late.”

Cinemagoer Nikki Hollis said: “Martin shouldn’t beat himself up. At least he didn’t create the Inception horn. Hans Zimmer should be hunted down and shot composing that monstrosity.”