Parents warned to stop calling their children Lily or Jack

BRITISH parents’ desire to give all children the name Jack or Lily could have sociological repercussions, experts have warned.

Researchers believe that over-reliance on the two reassuringly middle-class names could cause practical and psychological problems.

Sociologist Donna Sheridan said: “The names Jack and Lily have gone beyond the point of popularity to become a national epidemic.

“We’re starting to see primary schools where 98% of pupils are called Jack or Lily, resulting in teachers being unable to address any of their pupils individually.

“In one Year 3 class, all the boys completely ostracised the only one not called Jack, a boy called Ian. Or as they called him, ‘the un-Jack’.

“I believe they having been making plans to drown him.”

Teacher Mary Fisher said: “My class consists of Lilys numbers 1-12 and Jacks 1-14, for example I might say ‘Jack 3 give Jack 9 his pencil back’.”

Sheridan warned that if the trend continues it will become impossible for anyone to ever be completely sure who was speaking to them.

Parent Stephen Malley said: “I have to admit it can be quite confusing having three sons called Jack and two daughters called Lily, but it’s infinitely preferable to not calling them Jack or Lily.

“I can’t imagine what it would be like having a child called Richard or Emma. We’d have to put them up for adoption, although I doubt anyone would want them with those names.

“If we have another child we’ll probably have to give them a different name though. Maybe Lily-Jack.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Cameron bootlegged during China visit

DAVID Cameron has been illegally copied while on a state visit to China.

The bootlegging operation was uncovered by a police raid on a warehouse which discovered pallets full of cheap copies of the prime minister ready to be shipped worldwide.

An expert said: “They’ve got the exact shade of pink on the cheeks and that robotic false warmth in the eyes.

“One even got into the Commons and began giving a speech before it got stuck in an infinite loop of cutting costs and boosting efficiency and had to be beaten to death by Black Rod’s mace.”

The Trading Standards Institute has warned the public not to buy the bootlegs, which contain toxic materials and overheat dangerously when asked for a firm position on membership of the European Union.

A spokesman said: “Most people won’t notice the difference and might buy one to punch about the house, but there are ways to tell.

“If you check the driving licence it actually says ‘Cameren’ and the bootlegs don’t bear the distinctive brand of the original manufacturer, Eton College, on the left buttock.”