Part-time smoker's attempt at roll up an ‘abomination’

A SOCIAL smoker’s attempt at making a rolled up cigarette has been classed an ‘abomination’ by all who saw it.

Stephen Malley, who only smokes when he drinks or when someone else is paying for them, asked his friend, Emma Bradford, if he could make his own roll up this time as he ‘felt he was ready for it’.

Bradford said: “He absolutely was not.”

She added: “It looked as if he had been trying to eat it.”

Mutual friend Tom Logan said: “It was as if a builder had fallen off some scaffolding without wearing a safety helmet and the first thing he did was try to make a roll up.”

Malley said, ‘I don’t care, I’m the only one smoking it’ as the abomination fell apart in his hand.

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Optimistic father gives Black and Decker Workmate to 29-year-old son

A MAN has given a Black and Decker Workmate to his son in a desperate bid to stop him being so pathetic.

Jim Bishop gave the work bench to 29 year-old Martin as a birthday present, along with a drill and a copy of the Reader’s Digest DIY Manual.

Jim said: “Hopefully it will ignite some kind of primal instinct to do something with his hands other than his constant, furtive masturbation.

“Even if he just makes a spoon for stirring one of his manky little vegetarian casseroles. That would be a start and I would no longer have to deny his existence.”

But Martin added: “At first I thought it was a bench for very tall people, but apparently it’s for DIY projects.

“It’s a nice thought, but I’ve no cause to touch tools of any kind. I give money to large men to fix things for me.

“If I buy a spoon and attach it to the drill, I could make some really creamy houmous.”