Pay increase doesn't compensate for loss of bonuses, say minimum wagers

MINIMUM wage earners have blasted their pay rise of 19p an hour as inadequate recompense for losing their multi-million pound bonuses.

EU regulations have capped bonus sizes for dishwashers, order pickers and cleaners, leaving them with their salary, share options and seven-figure retention allowances.

Stephen Malley, who works as an acne-covered kitchen assistant, said: “Raising the basic wage is a step in the right direction, but at this rate I’ll be retiring on less than £3 million a year.

“And my directorships and consultancies, obviously.”

Care worker Carolyn Ryan said: “The extra £7.60 a week I’ll earn is nothing. How am I supposed to pay school fees, the mortgage on our London place and the cottage in Cornwall, and buy the kids new skis on that?

“I suggested they dip into their trust funds, but the looks I got. I suppose I’ll have to arrange a no-repayment-date personal loan from our offshore shell corporation, as bloody usual.”

Economist Julian Cook said: “It’s the politics of class war. Who’s going to boost the economy by buying new cars, second homes and investing in tech start-ups if not the minimum wage movers and shakers?”

The pay rise has left takeaway outlets and cleaning firms empty as staff rush to arrange putting their extra 19p an hour into a tax shelter.

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Look at the stuff I sent to ministers, but lay off my One Direction fan mail

Dear Holly,

It seems nothing I do is private and I am hounded at every turn. Now they want to make my private correspondence available to all and sundry. Fair enough, look at the stuff I sent to government ministers, but lay off my One Direction fan mail, because that would be a step too far.

Charles Windsor

Clarence House 

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There is nothing more incriminating than a handwritten note, especially one showing a crude interpretation of your geography teacher with a swastika on his face doing bad things with a sheep. It might get you the adulation of your classmates for an afternoon, but be prepared to destroy it as soon as possible unless you want to do some serious explaining when you accidentally hand it in with your urban demographics homework.

Hope that helps!