Pension money spent entirely on figurines

RETIRED people allowed to dip into their pension pots have blown the lot on porcelain figurines.

This is your inheritance

The UK is facing a financial crisis after millions of old people frittered their pensions on playful kittens, Edwardian ladies and sad clowns.

Pensioner Mary Fisher said: “When Mr Osborne said you’re allowed to spend your pension, I immediately cashed in £50,000 and purchased a small army of limited edition Victorian street urchins.

“Now I’ve got no money for food and there’s only a tin of corned beef to last me until I die.”

Fellow pensioner Roy Hobbs said: “I can’t pay my electricity bill because I spunked the lot on Royal Doulton, but hopefully my badly painted Huckleberry Finn ornament will give me enough of a warm glow inside to see me through the winter.

“I tried to borrow a pound for some candles from my friend Reg, but he’d starved to death in a nest of collectable Toby jugs.”

The government is now trying to restore the nation’s pension funds by selling the figurines, probably to the Russians who seem to like that sort of thing.

A treasury spokesman said: “If that doesn’t work we’ve got our top scientists working on a way to turn china shire horses into a viable food source.”

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Drunk you is the real you

YOUR behaviour when you are drunk represents your true personality, scientists have confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found that a person’s sober character is just a thin veneer of fake politeness disguising an un-coordinated frothing fight-beast that lurks within.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Sober behaviour emanates from the outer part of the brain, the little bit which is concerned about what other people think.

“Alcohol clears the neural pathways allowing the inner region of the brain, the one that speaks freely, to take control of your motor functions and start trouble.

“It’s a shame that this ‘inner voice’ so often says ‘have a fight’, ‘show off’ or ‘climb up that high, dangerous thing’ but that’s just what humans are like I suppose.”

He added: “So if you are a ‘bad drunk’ that actually means you are a bad person.”

Office worker Mary Fisher said: “I always thought I was an essentially decent human who was only turned into a stiletto-wielding hell bitch by the pernicious influence of alcohol.

“On closer reflection I do want to kill pretty much everyone and would much rather urinate on the pavement than in some claustrophobic cubicle.”