People may be forced to re-thieve stuff

MEGAUPLOAD users may have to spend several days stealing Family Guy episodes all over again.

The US government has taken the unprecedented step of confiscating stolen goods during an investigation into theft and denying the thieves access to the stuff they stole, to the dismay of freedom of speech campaigners.

Anti-establishment internet burglar, Wayne Hayes, said: “I have put in a claim for the cost of electricity and broadband needed to refill my hard drive with stuff I’m never going to watch.

“Not to mention the many hours I spent looking at the progress bar of a file download while sat in my underpants eating Doritos and discussing the concept of ownership with other heroic property liberators.

“It’s just like season seven of 24. Or maybe Battlestar Galactica. Or Stargate: Universe. When you’re not paying for it, who cares?”

Megaupload claimed that by stopping the company using the money they gained from stealing things, they were being denied their constitutional right to pay for somewhere to store the things they stole.

Meanwhile some users have complained that as well as the millions of dollars of creativity they did not fancy paying for, they have stored legitimate files of their own that they can no longer access, which could lead to a loss of earnings.

A US justice department spokesman said: “We now have the privilege of explaining that to millions of these fuckers.”


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Ed Miliband owes Britain £900m

ED Miliband cost Britain the best part of a billion pounds yesterday.

The Labour leader’s brave, popular stance against RBS bonuses led directly to the bank losing £900m of its value as investors reckoned that if Ed Miliband was calling the shots they may as well buy shares in a mangled badger.

Nathan Muir, head of strategic investment at Madeley Finnegan, said: “Like everyone in Britain we would like the value of RBS shares to go, what is known in the financial industry as, ‘up’.

”Sustained ‘upness’ means taxpayers will eventually get their money back while pensions and savings accounts will achieve a wonderful upness of their own.

“Unfortunately ‘uposity’ is very difficult once a bank gets heavily Milibanded. It makes being Goodwined feel like being Buffetted.”

Miliband is now the third most expensive Labour leader behind James Callaghan on £2.3bn and Gordon Brown on everything.

But Miliband has been awarded a bonus for costing Britain a huge amount of money while not even being in power

Meanwhile, in a bid to overtake Callaghan, Miliband is now calling for RBS to come under the control of the department for communities and local government.

A Labour spokesman said: “Before the bank makes even the smallest investment decision it will have to focus group it to make sure ‘the people’ think it’s a good idea.

”Then the investment choices will have to certified as ECHR compatible and pass an occupational health and safety assessment.

”Then, and only then, can we all sit down together and ask ‘how will this decision affect women?’.”