People who call you 'mate' may actually despise you

A NEW study has revealed that ‘mate’ is often used as verbal camouflage by people who think the person they are addressing is a twat or worse.

The Institute for Studies found people who call you ‘mate’ were rarely an actual mate and often had ulterior motives such as getting you to do something.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Mate is not always the guaranteed term of affection we assume it to be.

“Frequently the use of ‘mate’ is an attempt to create the illusion of friendship by tradesmen wanting to be paid or people persuading you it’s your round at the bar.

“Our study also revealed that ‘hun,’ ‘lovely’ and ‘sweetheart’ are often used without 100% emotional sincerity, in most cases by hairdressers or managers wanting you to work late for no extra money.

“My advice to the public is not to take being called ‘mate’ at face value, especially if you’re interacting with a builder who has already messed you around with bullshit excuses like his cat having depression.”

Plumber Stephen Malley said: “When I say ‘mate’, I mean ‘prick’.”

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Primary school teachers sad for child named Tiberius

TEACHERS at a primary school are sad to see yet another middle-class child who has been given a ridiculous name.

Staff are disappointed but not surprised that an innocent child has been condemned to unnecessary bullying and a lifetime of people assuming he is a dick.

Teacher Nikki Hollis said: “A certain type of middle-class parent finds ancient names irresistible, so it’s only a matter of time before we get pupils called Cyclops and Hydra.

“Tiberius was a successful Roman emperor, but the other famous Tiberius was James T. Kirk. So if our Tiberius doesn’t get twatted for being a ponce he’ll get twatted for being a nerd.

“Parents really need to think before they choose these names. Tiberius has so much to live up to he’ll probably become a drop-out selling rasta hats in Bristol.

“You can’t even shorten it. I suppose he could call himself ‘Ty’ but that just sounds like he’s really called ‘Tyler’ or ‘Tybalt’, which are both dreadful in different ways.

“‘Tibor’ doesn’t really solve the problem either.”