People who don't want children 'missing out on lots of expensive boredom'

PEOPLE who do not want children have been warned they could miss out on huge amounts of expense, boredom and disgust.

Researchers tracked the upbringing of over 10,000 humans over the course of 18 years, using surveillance techniques perfected by the Soviets in the late 1970s.

Dr Julian Cook said: “After the years of turds and vomit, there’s the joyous process of finding a school, worrying about the kid while it’s at school, then dealing with the kid when it’s done badly in school, when it calls you from hospital or when it’s burned down a cricket pavilion.

“After that, you experience immense pride when the kid takes yet more of your money and fucks off to the pub for three years.

“In the midst of all this, there will be a single day out at the beach which does not end in a hellish symphony of blood and tears.”

He added: “Also, it all comes with constant, silent judgement from everyone in the world.

“What are you waiting for?”

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Jamie Oliver ‘heartbroken’ after thieves steal most of his herbs

JAMIE Oliver has appealed for the safe return of his favourite herbs after a break-in at his North London home.

Burglars raided the house earlier this week, snatching Oliver’s collection of dill, basil, sage and thyme after drilling a hole into his state-of-the-art herb vault.

The stricken chef revealed the devastating moment he realised he had no way of preventing a lamb stew tasting bland.

Oliver said: “It was bubbling away like a ticking time bomb and I was powerless to bring out the flavours.

“They even took Brian, my favourite sprig of rosemary. All that was left was a bit of coriander, which has no street value because it tastes weird.”

He added: “I’d rather they’d stolen my massive TV, one of my huge 4x4s or raided the room filled entirely with £20 notes.”