People who like their weekends oppose all forms of marriage

BRITONS who prefer weekends without expensive social obligations have opposed gay and straight marriage.

The legalisation of same-sex marriage has left many without a single weekend that isn’t occupied by some friends’ costly and time-consuming matrimonial joining.

32-year-old Tom Logan said: “By the end of Friday I just want to dick around for a couple of days, maybe go to the pub, not dig my suit out and get on a train to Kent.

“I was struggling to cope with the volume of heterosexual weddings. Now all the gay people I know are suddenly getting married, it’s like a tsunami of inconvenience and cake consumption.”

He added: “I am happy for them, I suppose, but Jesus Christ I’ve not got a free Saturday until 2017.

“Can’t we just ban all weddings except for one Saturday a year, when they all happen simultaneously and you can just stay home and watch them on the internet?”

Stephen Malley is to marry his boyfriend next month: “We considered a modest civil partnership thing in the local registry office, then we thought fuck it, we’ve had to spend a fortune attending straight weddings over the years.

“So it’s going to be in Florida, I’m afraid.”

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William only meant that shawl was dreadful

PRINCE William only asked a New Zealand woman to make another baby shawl because the first one was so shit.

The remark, widely misinterpreted as suggesting another Royal baby is due, was apparently a reflex reaction to the low quality of the homemade item.

William explained: “If you’re wrapping a baby in something, it needs to be effective in catching the ordure continually pouring out of it, and capable of surviving a boil-wash afterwards.

“This thing was full of holes, made out of some fancy dry-clean-only wool and practically unravelling in my hands. At best it might do as an emergency chunder rag.

“My mistake was being too polite. I should have ground the shawl contemptuously into the dirt.”