People who say ‘If you don’t know me don’t judge me’ all dreadful

BELIEF in popular slogans about not being judgemental is a defining characteristic of arseholes, it has been claimed.

Experts at the Institute of Studies interviewed 272 people who used the Tupac Shakur lyric ‘If you don’t know me don’t judge me’ to accuse relative strangers with no particular opinion of them of irrational hatred.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The study sample also included those who also claimed ‘You haven’t been through what I’ve been through’ and demanded that the public ‘Don’t judge my choices until you know my reasons’.

“However those choices were extremely stupid ones usually involving wishful thinking about members of the opposite sex, or the viability of making a living as a fire-eater.

“Knowing these people actually results in a harsher opinion about them, particularly when they’ve put massive bits of wood in their ears and then acted surprised about being unable to get a job in a bank.”

Street performer Julian Cook said: “People judge me on my alternative, steampunk-influenced appearance and that’s wrong. You can’t make assumptions about a human being from how they dress themselves, unless they are wearing a suit in which case they clearly a bastard.”

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Human beats highly advanced computer at drinking

A MAN has beaten a sophisticated artificial intelligence machine at drinking beer.

In a move designed to test the limits of technology, 30-year-old roofer Wayne Hayes took on Google’s DeepMind machine in a pint-for-pint battle.

A Google spokesman said: “Having recently beaten the human champion at the board game Go, we were eager to test DeepMind at something that Westerners can understand and respect.”

The AI machine was fitted with a specially-adapted USB cable with a pint glass on one end into which beer could be poured. However it broke after two pints, exploding in a shower of sparks as Stella Artois flooded its motherboard.

Hayes said: “I was confident from the start because that computer just didn’t have the red, bulky look of a drinker about it.

“They can build these machines that can do all sums and everything, but they’ll never take over from man if they can’t handle 15-16 pints of export lager.”

However the Google spokesman added: “We should have added a ‘piss port’ to allow DeepMind to expel fluids. Also I think a little slot that you tip pork scratchings into would help.”