People without passports interned in Britain

ANYONE without a valid passport is to be confined in a vast internment camp the size and shape of the United Kingdom.

Those held in the camp, which is heavily guarded to stop anyone escaping, have complained of inedible food, inadequate accommodation and cigarettes being used as currency.

Roy Hobbs, who cannot get a passport because he cannot fit his whole face in the frame, said: “The people who run this place treat us like animals.

“Some of the residents have been here so long they’re dying without ever being allowed to leave.

“The only reason we have sex is because we’ve all been locked up for so long that we’re willing to do it with anyone.”

Amnesty International has called on the Government to free the millions of people who cannot afford to pay the bribe demanded by the UK Passport Service.

A Home Office spokesman said: “We cannot simply unleash these dregs of  humanity on the rest of Europe without damaging its social fabric.

“Nor would they be able to cope with the sunlight, the spicy food and the reasonably good transport infrastructure.

“They are confined here for their own good.”

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Women’s magazines have weird taste in films

WOMEN’S magazines recommend films that every other media outlet finds reprehensible, experts have discovered.

As new films such as Walking on Sunshine and The Fault in Our Stars hit UK cinemas, scientists found the only publications giving them good reviews were those with an almost exclusively female audience.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “I watched the trailer for The Fault in Our Stars and, like a normal human being, or a Guardian film critic, I thought ‘that looks absolutely fucking vile’.

“But then I noticed all the glowing, one-word tributes. How could this be? It seems magazines for young women believe their audience will enjoy these films and will be grateful for the recommendation. It’s all very odd.

“They also compared Walking on Sunshine to Mamma Mia – like it was a good thing.”

He added: “Even the Daily Mail hates these films and the Mail despises women, so you’d expect it to recommend them out of sheer wickedness.

“Maybe women are just weird. Yes, that’s what it is.”