Pissheads enjoying Christmas 'camouflage'

CHRISTMAS is providing excellent ‘camouflage’ for people who are shitfaced all year round, they have revealed.

Big drinkers have welcomed the way Christmas makes it socially acceptable to drink excessively and at unusual times of day.

Sales manager Roy Hobbs said: “People keep inviting me over to drink in the afternoon, which is great because I don’t have to think up a lame excuse like celebrating the cat’s birthday.

“My wife and I are getting wankered every night without embarrassment by getting out the Twiglets, inviting a random neighbour round and calling it ‘Christmas drinkies’.

“At work I can get wasted every lunchtime because people keep going to the pub for half the afternoon. If it was Christmas all the time I’d probably really enjoy work, apart from the cirrhosis.

“No one notices you’re a bit worse for wear in the office because they’re not used to daytime drinking and can barely press the buttons on their phones.

Teacher Emma Bradford said: “The fact that I am slurring drunk at most social events barely gets noticed at Christmas.

“Also if you need ‘a little lie down’ people think you’re tired from gift shopping, not that the room’s spinning like an out-of-control fighter jet.”


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Corbyn looks back on best-ever year of jam making

JEREMY Corbyn has congratulated himself on a year in which he delivered outstanding home-made preserves.

From damson to gooseberry, strawberry to rhubarb, close friends of Corbyn feel he has built up a lasting legacy of fruit-based spreads for toasts and breads of all kinds.

Corbyn said: “I’ve been tirelessly crushing fruits and heating them with water and sugar to store in jars. But now the delicious results are plain to see.”

Unlike predecessors such as Gordon Brown and Ed Miliband who were too friendly towards vested interests such as banks and corporations, Corbyn made jam a top priority in his leadership.

The Labour leader is particularly proud of two jams he personally created; a tangerine-based marmalade developed during the EU referendum and a blueberry preserve he has been working on day and night in the run-up to the debate on Aleppo.

Corbyn said: “The next few years are going to be especially challenging for the Labour movement with the Conservatives bent on pursuing policies that will rob ordinary working people of their life chances.

“We must be bold and imaginative in our responses. Pear and pomegranate. No one’s tried that before, have they?”