Russia ‘hacking Crufts for years’

RUSSIA has been hacking the Crufts computers to make all the weird-looking dogs win, it has emerged.

New evidence shows that Moscow hackers, personally directed by Vladimir Putin, have been manipulating the dog beauty competition for over a decade to give the fucked-up-looking ones more points.

Suspicions were raised after last years’ winning dog was revealed to have spent six months studying in St Petersburg.

A Crufts source said: “The Russian puppet-masters wanted to humiliate the West by making it look like all our dogs have tiny legs and curly tails that go up their arses.

“Without their intervention, Crufts would be all normal dogs, like labradors and medium-sized mongrels, rather than the nightmarish parade of canine weirdness it has become.”

Dog lover Emma Bradford said: “If they can rig the US election and even have a hand in Brexit then why wouldn’t they rig Crufts?”

It makes me feel sick just thinking about it.”

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Boss invites workers for Christmas drinks-and-look-at-my-big-f**king-house

A BOSS has invited workers over for Christmas drinks and to see how impressively large his house is. 

The invitation specified that the house was down a country lane, has a name rather than a number, and that they have to buzz the intercom for the gates to be remotely opened.

Office manager Helen Archer said: “He took us on ‘the tour’ first, giving us the price of his new handmade Italian leather sofa and the quartz worktop on the kitchen island before ending in this massive room which he said they reserve for ‘entertaining’.

“As we were necking our prosecco he casually mentioned it was a shame it was too cold for the garden, because they’d had 200 out there for his niece’s wedding reception in the summer.

“When Lucy said she needed the loo he laughed and offered a choice of four, giving directions to the one he thought would be easiest to reach.

“It is a big house. It’s a very nice house. But he’s still a twat.”

Fellow guest Tom Booker said: “When he was out I peeked in the study. Guess what’s on those reclaimed oak shelves? Six series of Ballykissangel on DVD and an unread Steve Jobs biography.

“Also I nicked a fountain pen.”