Pizza Express tips going to radical pro-middle class group

TIPS given to waiters in Pizza Express are funding the middle class equivalent of Class War, it has emerged.

A percentage of the bourgeois restaurant’s gratuities is being siphoned to Nice Cheese, a radical middle class group whose agenda includes banning any films that do not star Eddie Redmayne.

A source said: “As you always suspected, Pizza Express has a dark secret agenda.

“Your small change is being used to fund a collective of well-mannered cottage owners who want to ban all fried chicken, theme parks and any tattoos that don’t have an obvious retro aesthetic.

“As the name suggests, they are particularly hard on processed cheese and any food that does not have a farmer biography on the packaging.

“They obsessively pursue middle class values and believe that all short, stocky men should be forced to live underground in a tunnel marked ‘Tradesmen Only’.

“However they are fine with pizzas, provided they come from a special oven and don’t have sausage in the crust.”

Pizza Express regular and architect Julian Cook said: “I initially wanted my tips to go to the waiter, but only because I didn’t want him and his ilk to rise up against me.

“I would actually pay part of my salary to a group that made sure service workers and tradesmen behaved with appropriate deference, as long as it was kept secret.”

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Corbyn campaign ad is 14th Century folk play

JEREMY Corbyn has produced a leadership campaign advert in the form of a 14th Century folk play.

‘Ye Rhime Of Jeremie & His Band Of Pursuivants’ is a three-hour ‘mummers play’ to be performed by morris dancers and historical re-enacters in town squares across the country.

Maypole dancer Roy Hobbs said: “I play Olde Father Socialism, who gives alms and sweetmeats to the children in the audience until the Dragon Kendall forces him to flee.

“He’s eventually saved by the Gentil Knight Corbyn, who drives away the dragon atop his noble steed Nationalisation, which is played by my wife Margaret.”

The soundtrack, written by Billy Bragg for lute and tambourine, will be on sale in sheet music form to help raise funds for Corbyn’s campaign.

The play is a response to adverts released by Corbyn’s rivals, in which Liz Kendall confirmed that she has a computer and Andy Burnham revealed that his wife and immediate family quite like him.

But it may never be performed after New Labour hero Alastair Campbell handed Corbyn victory by backing any of his rivals. Corbyn aide Nikki Hollis said: “If Alastair endorsed the hunting of wildebeest, most lions would go vegan.”