Plain-looking students' exam success goes undocumented

STUDENTS who fall outside the bracket of ‘nubile sexy girls’ may or may not have gotten good A Level results.

Homely student Mary Archer said: “I’ve just got 4 As and no one wants my picture because there are some girls over there in halter tops  – who got Ds and Es – having a cuddle.

“I think I’ve just learned a very depressing life lesson.”

Historian Tom Booker said: “Future civilisations will look back at our news websites and think our academics were all skinny, buxom females with borderline lesbian tendencies.”

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We can add water to wine but we don't, say middle class drinkers

IF our wine needs some water in it then we know where the water is, middle class drinkers have confirmed.

The government has called for more lower alcohol wines, prompting millions of people to assure minsters that they understand the basic principles of dilution.

Helen Archer, from Stevenage, said: “I remember as a child tasting some undiluted Kia-Ora. It was horribly strong and sweet so I added some water and that made it much better.

“When I grew up and started drinking Cabernet Sauvignon most days, I recalled my Kia-Ora experience and thought, ‘that won’t work with wine, so I’m not going to do that’.”

Experts stressed the move would require a massive and costly overhaul of the regulations as opposed to just adding a sentence to the labels such as, ‘did you know  you can add water to this?’.

Wine drinker Tom Logan, from Peterborough, said: “Please, leave me alone.”

His wife Sarah added: “Never mind him, he’s just in a bad mood because he lives in Britain.

“I tell him to cheer up, but he just stares at me and then pours himself another glass of Beaujolais.

“He says he drinks it because he likes it, but I know that deep down he’s in crisis.

“When I tell him that he starts crying and says, ‘honestly, I just like it and the reason I’m crying is because I keep having to tell you that I just like it’.

“Then he takes my hand very tenderly, looks longingly into my eyes and says ‘please, I am begging you, leave me alone’.”