Plan to take E at office party rapidly backfires

A MAN has instantly regretted taking an Ecstasy pill at his work Christmas party, it has emerged.

28-year-old Stephen Malley brought a small bag of pills to his office’s Christmas gathering at a local brasserie. After calling workmates who refused them ‘pussies’, Malley swallowed a pill just as the buffet was being clearly away to make space for the disco.

He said: “Now I’m off my tits and someone’s talking to me about stakeholder pensions. I need some water and to get my shit together. Need to sit in the disabled toilet for a bit and chain smoke.

“No wait, you can’t smoke indoors. Or can you? I feel confused, I need to eat one of those mini sausages so that I look normal.

“Then maybe I can get behind a curtain. These curtains feel soft.”

Co-worker Nikki Hollis said: “Stephen loves to think of himself as the ‘crazy one’ but we all thought this was a stupid idea because he would be a gurning mess in a room where most people are over 50.

“He’ll be okay during the disco, going mental to Yazz and Snoop Dogg, but I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes when it ends at 10.30. That’s going to be a very lonely place.”

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Ask Holly: Whenever I try to say 'bridge' it comes out as 'buh-reeeeege'

Dear Holly,

I might be the one of the best-selling female artists in the world, but whenever I try to say ‘bridge’ it comes out as ‘buh-reeeeege’. Aren’t I extremely irritating?

Adele 

London

Dear Adele,

There is no affliction which can’t be cured with a Hatchimal for Christmas. As I write, Santa is marching the aisles of his workshop in Beijing, shouting at the hordes of happy Chinese folk who work 23 hours a day in darkness and squalid conditions, fashioning tonnes of gaudy bug-eyed pointless plastic, all in the name of bringing little girls like me four or five minutes of partial happiness on Christmas Day, before I start kicking off and going mental again.

Hope that helps,

Holly