Playground bully now runs mindfulness courses

A MAN who stole your lunch money in year four by threatening to beat you up now teaches businesses how to be more mindful.

Former scourge of the playground Tom Logan claims to have put his bullying days behind him and is a ‘mindfulness consultant’ for large companies who pay him huge sums of money by the hour.

Logan, now 32, apparently has no recollection of making your life hell for the duration of primary school.

He said: “I think I’d remember if I threw your satchel onto the school roof or scratched ‘bender’ on your pencil tin, but honestly, I don’t.

“You might say I’m overcompensating to atone for deep-seated guilt from my childhood, but I think you’re just jealous that my life has turned out so well.

“And if you tell anyone about my past I’ll flush your head down the toilet again.”

Company managing director Nikki Hollis said: “Tom’s thuggish background of forcing money out of people and coasting through life with minimal effort is the perfect basis for a career as a mindfulness coach.

“I’m looking forward to learning how to pretend I care about people from him.”

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Five childhood heroes who bollocksed it up

YOU loved them as an innocent child, and boy do you regret it now. Which celebrities have ruined your memories of them? 

Noel Edmonds 

To children, Noel was a friendly yet godlike figure who brought us Swap Shop and the chance to win a Millennium Falcon. Since then he has: revealed he’s into weird mysticism; hosted the idiotic guessing game Deal or No Deal; and shown megalomaniac tendencies by believing Noel’s House Party was a work of Da Vinci-like genius.

Michael Caine

Caine’s appeal has spanned generations, thanks to films like Zulu and rediscovered classics like Get Carter, but then he turned out to be nowhere near as cool as the characters he played and just a bog-standard moaning expat twat. (See also: John Cleese.)

Carol Vorderman 

Carol showed geeky kids you could be good at maths AND an attractive TV presenter who presumably no longer gets bullied every day. Unfortunately she has since opted for the ‘multipurpose celebrity’ route, looking silly on Question Time and making an unfeasible number of appearances in the Daily Mail in very tight trousers. Rachel Riley take note.

Roger Daltrey

It’s possibly unfair to single out Roger for rockstar twattery, but The Who’s lyrics definitely did not say ‘Hope I die before I get old and/or open a trout farm’. It’s like discovering Jimi Hendrix’s real ambition was to open a chain of estate agents to rival Foxtons.

Mel Gibson

Mel’s downfall is well-documented, but his vile drunken racism is nothing compared to ruining the memory of Mad Max. It also raises the possibility that while playing his other great character, the crazy muthaf*cker Riggs in Lethal Weapon, Mel wasn’t aware that filming had started.