Playing truant made even better by threat to parents

SCHOOLCHILDREN are more motivated to play truant now that their parents will be punished in a court of law.

Adolescents nursing grudges against the people who feed and house them can now dodge school for a fortnight, say they were in the Bahamas and see their mum and dad given a hefty fine.

Hormonal maniac Susan Traherne, aged 14, said: “I wasn’t bought tickets for every night of One Direction’s UK tour, therefore my life is over and it’s all my mother’s fault.

“A two-week sleepover and a few lies to the magistrates and she’ll be in the prison that’s too good for her. Such a pity we don’t have the death penalty.”

11-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve finally got them where I want them, churning out sick notes on demand.

“Plus I’m learning to be deceitful and manipulative which are key business skills.”

Teacher Carolyn Ryan said: “Oh, the worlds of learning those skiving children will miss.

“Certainly they wouldn’t just have been told to be quiet and work through their textbooks while their teachers did the weekly Ocado shop, because that’s not how education works in my classroom.”

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Five second rule to include extra five seconds

THE government is to tackle food poverty by officially doubling the five allowable seconds for food dropped on the floor.

The move could see millions of pounds’ worth of pizza slices, nachos and ice cream reclassified as edible.

A Department of Health spokesman said: “We knew that any dropped food item is perfectly safe to eat if retrieved within five seconds.

“This applied irrespective of whether the surface was carpet, wood or whatever and how clean it was.

“But further research has shown that germs are actually even slower to notice the food and leap onto it than previously thought, so we are able to double that limit.

“And obviously if you’re drunk – which boosts natural immunities to bacteria, colds and gastric illness – that can be extended to 60 seconds provided a pet hasn’t started licking it.”

The extension is one of a raft of measures introduced to stop food waste, including a ‘three strikes’ law giving mandatory life sentences to anyone repeatedly buying and not eating bagged salad.

Officials have also brought in a sliding scale for sell-by dates based on income, with any household earning less than £12,000 instructed to ignore them and eat away.

The spokesman continued: “There’s no food crisis and there’s no need for food banks, which aren’t proper banks anyway because they don’t pay their workers huge food bonuses.

“Now shut up and eat your dinner or you won’t get any pudding.”