THE Association of Chief Police Officers has been criticised for a radio advert which encouraged neighbours to report single, permanently hungover young men who live knee-deep in their own filth.
The commercial, banned by the Advertising Standards Authority, warned people to be on the look out for men who keep to themselves, use cash instead of cards and always have their curtains closed
But Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Yeah, that’s a bloke in his mid to late 20s.
“He doesn’t talk to you because he has a bastard hangover and in any case finds you quite stunningly tedious and the last thing he wants to do is waste valuable sofa time by subjecting himself to your twice daily bulletin of dreary gossip and racism.
“Meanwhile he uses cash because he’s always skint – because he’s always in the pub – and therefore has to constantly borrow money from those 20,000 percent interest, payday loan fuckers.
“And he keeps his curtains closed, not because he’s building a bomb, but as a favour to you so that when you walk past his house you don’t have to see him touching himself – or for that matter the piles of moulding detritus that are accumulating in his living room and, sitting in the middle of the coffee table, what may actually be a human turd.
“Let me assure you, when you wake up on the sofa in the middle of the night, in that awful, nauseating limbo between still-drunk and hungover, your toilet may as well be on the dark side of the moon.
“Plus, there’s probably a really bad glare on the telly.”
Professor Brubaker added: “You don’t need to report him to the police, you need to get him a girlfriend.”