Poor people to graze on London's 'garden bridge'

LONDON’s new ‘garden bridge’ will be grazed by herds of people living below the poverty threshold, it has been confirmed.

The trust behind the £185m bridge confirmed that it was provide much-needed grazing land for herds of minimum wage workers and the unemployed.

A spokesman said: “The grazing poor will quietly munch their way through grass and vegetation, standing on all fours in their pants. Children will be able to pat some of the tamer ones and perhaps give them names.

“However we will need to ban fireworks in the locality, which could cause them to stampede and fall into the Thames.”

Benefits claimant Nikki Hollis said: “I do like the taste of grass. It’s surprisingly tangy and is excellently complimented by rainwater collected in an old ice cream tub.”

She added: “And London definitely needs more massive expensive shiny things.”


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Unstable friend now somehow a counsellor

A WOMAN with a chaotic personal life and a history of believing in total nonsense is now being paid to give people advice, shocked friends have revealed.

Nikki Hollis earns a healthy income from counselling people, despite having done countless idiotic things in her own life such as repeatedly dating clearly awful men and joining a religious cult.

Friend Tom Logan said: “Somehow she did a counselling course while she was unemployed for the umpteenth time.

“It’s only a couple of years ago that she was living with a cult who thought Jesus was coming in a UFO.

“I hope she’s not giving relationship advice because her typical boyfriend is some sleazy married bloke twice her age, or a local weed dealer with 14 kids.”

Hollis said: “I’m the ideal counsellor because I’ve been through a lot in my own life, not to mention my extensive knowledge of tarot, past-life regression and moon magick.

“Just today I was able to draw on my own experiences and advise a depressed woman to give up her job and become a street juggler in Rome.

“I get a real buzz out of helping clients like Peter who’s unable to perform sexually. He just needs to listen to his heart and have an affair with his cousin.”