Popping for bits now costs 40 quid

POPPING into Tesco for a few bits now costs at least 40 quid and there is nothing you can do about it.

Experts say that any purchase beyond a pint of milk and a loaf of bread will now leave you as stupidly out of pocket as if you had decided to chuck your purse down a drain for a laugh.

Emma Bradford, from Devizes, said: “I needed an onion and a packet of biscuits so I popped into the supermarket, and when I came out I was decidedly poorer than I had been before.

“Yeah, I also got yoghurt, eggs, a cucumber and a bag of crisps, but it wasn’t like I’d rashly thrown in a magnum of champagne or nine fillet steaks.

“And yet the receipt says I’ve blown £43.77 on f**k all. I’m sure it used to cost about a fiver. Did they put the decimal point in the wrong place or something?”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Rampant inflation means that you now have to put as much consideration into buying a packet of ham as you used to into purchasing a new phone.

“Global market forces mean you either have to like it or start scavenging for food in bins. Sorry.”

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How to make your weekends worse than the week

WEEKENDS are supposed to be a pleasant respite from your job, but these activities will make you crave the sweet release of work.

Wake up at 6am

Your brain is incapable of waking up early during the week, but come the weekend it’ll be raring to go before the sun’s risen. Not only will this f**k up your sleep pattern, it’ll also make you drowsy by early Saturday afternoon, AKA the best bit of the whole weekend. You’ll be refreshed for the Sunday evening anxiety attacks though, so it’s not all bad.

Be hungover

Which is worse, sitting at your desk clicking between tabs for eight hours, or a morning spent hunched over your toilet spewing your guts up? Yes, the latter involves an evening of fun the day before, but your job is easier on your body and isn’t a stupid waste of your precious free time. Combining the two and being hungover at work is clearly the logical way to go.

Attempt DIY

Home improvement projects never go to plan. Instead of creating a bespoke feature wall or putting up a shelf, you’re more likely to run a circular saw through your fingers and require a trip to A&E. And given the current state of the ambulances, you’ll need to have pre-booked a lift to hospital a week in advance. Play it safe by putting off your DIY until the government has changed.

Visit relatives

You see your colleagues more often than your family, and after eating a Sunday roast with your relatives you’ll be bloody grateful for this small mercy. You’re not being paid to listen to your nan’s ill-informed bigoted diatribes, whereas at least you get sick days as compensation for nodding along to your boss’s bullshit business plans.

Have a chill one

In theory a quiet weekend should be incredible. But by mid-morning on Saturday you’ll be bored senseless and checking your work inbox on your phone. Sadly a packed weekend isn’t any better. You’ll be yearning for some peace and quiet while worrying about all the emails awaiting you on Monday. Get used to it, this will happen every week until you can’t afford to retire.