Pothole given listed status

A COUNCIL has granted a local pothole listed status in order to preserve it for future generations to enjoy, it has emerged.

The road hollow in Southampton has been awarded Grade I listed status due to its longstanding historical significance, thereby ensuring that it will never, ever be filled in with hot asphalt by highway maintenance vandals.

Council spokesperson Nathan Muir said: “This pothole dates back to 2002 when an overloaded Ford Transit took a corner too fast. If that’s not a story of exceptional interest which needs to be protected, I don’t know what is.

“Visitors travel from all over to look at the pothole in astonishment and take photos, which is good for the local economy. We’re also inundated with emails and phone calls about it on a daily basis, so clearly people don’t want it to go anywhere.

“Thanks to its new listed status, the pothole will be able to last for decades, if not centuries. In fact we’ll probably have to knock down some of the surrounding houses and churches to make room for it as it grows.

“We could even charge people £8 a pop to marvel at it, then flog them some pothole-themed postcards and jigsaws in a little gift shop. Who wouldn’t want a snowglobe with a chunk of tarmac in it?”

Tourist Martin Bishop said: “I’ve travelled all the way from the states to see it. It puts the Grand Canyon to shame.”

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Deliveroo cyclist's wages docked for stopping at red light

A DELIVEROO cyclist has had his wages docked as punishment for stopping at a red light, it has emerged.

After Joshua Hudson completed his first shift as a food delivery rider, the company received concerning reports about his courteous road behaviour and reluctance to violate traffic laws.

Manager Nathan Muir said: “I had no choice but to dock Josh’s wages after I heard what he’d been doing, not least the fact that he was cycling on the road and not the pavement like we teach them in training.

“Aside from not whizzing through a red light, knocking pensioners over on the crossing like nine pins, he also refused to wear headphones and selfishly ignored the opportunity to cut up a bus at a roundabout.

“It sounds like Josh was at all times a responsible road user. Was he not listening during our tutorials? He even had a normal push bike, and not one of those e-bikes which is basically a moped you can ride down a cycle lane at 30 miles per hour.

“What if all our riders did this? The food would arrive a few minutes later and we might have to change our business model to pay a half-decent wage rather than making them risk their lives racing around to fulfil as many orders as possible for a few meagre pennies.

“Why would Josh want our shareholders to suffer like that? It’s disgusting behaviour, and he’s on a warning.”