Poverty linked to not having any money

POVERTY may be caused by having little or no money, according to new research.

The findings contradict welfare secretary Iain Duncan Smith’s official definition, that poverty is caused by watching commercial television on a faux leather sofa while devouring beige, processed food.

Julian Cook, professor of comparisons at Roehampton University, said: “It seems that people who have very little money are poor while people who have a reasonable amount of money are not poor.

“We worked it out using a computer the size of a bus.”


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Exercise is hilarious, says Death

DEATH finds the human obsession with exercise highly amusing, it has emerged.

Death said: “All this chitter chatter about low-impact, high-impact, yadda yadda.

“I’ll get you all just the same.

“Seeing you in your gymnasiums bouncing along on those machines, how stupid you look.

“Ha ha ha.”