Prick from school now describing himself as an 'influencer'

THE worst prick from your school is now publicly calling himself an ‘influencer’, it has emerged.

Tom Booker, a devious little shit you assumed was going to be an letting agent, is instead putting a lot of selfies on Instagram and referring to himself ‘a brand ambassador in waiting’.

The egregious tosser, whose last interaction with you was egging your mum’s car on results day, also has his own website where he calls himself a ‘thinkfluencer’ and claims his endorsement will boost sales.

Booker said, like the twat he is: “I stand at the intersection of the millennial and Gen-Z demographics, making me a perfect partner for your product or brand.

“Let my perfectly smooth skin and unnaturally white teeth serve as the perfect visual accompaniment to whatever it is you’re selling – I, and my Snapchat followers, are ready to join you on your journey of ideas.”

He continued, in words almost designed to make you want to punch him in the face like you did that time he filled your shoes with water in year 10: “I am not just an influencer; I am also a microblogger, a vlogger, a neo-flaneur, a creative curator and a content maven.

“I am Tom. I am 2018.”

He added that his brand strategy was to get a slot on Love Island and ‘leverage the exposure’ into becoming some kind of fucking ‘consultant’, which is somehow even worse than being a letting agent.

How are you ignoring heatwave advice you’ve been hearing for the last 20 years?

PLUCKY Britons are currently ignoring decades of advice about what to do in a heatwave. So what stupid things have you decided it’s OK to do?

Leap into unfamiliar water
There’s no way water can be shallower than you think or full of shopping trolleys. Particularly stupid given all the chilling 1970s public information films about water featuring fairly unambiguous characters such as the Grim Reaper.

Go ahead with a reckless activity
Are you planning to take a group of elderly pensioners up Snowdonia on the hottest day of the year? Just take plenty of choc ices and everything should be fine.

Become dangerously dehydrated
‘Stay hydrated’ is something you only hear every day when it’s hot, so it’s clearly namby-pamby nanny state nonsense. Drink very little water then wonder why you are hallucinating talking vegetables in Asda.

Keep your garden sprinklers on all the time
The socially responsible thing to do. As your neighbours queue in the street for emergency water supplies they’ll be cheered up no end by your lush, immaculate lawn.

Get pissed outdoors and horribly sunburned
It’s a scientific fact that UV light cannot penetrate alcohol-induced overconfidence. In any case your blistered, bright-red skin will soon turn into a tan, as you can explain as you ramble deliriously in A&E.