England fan to savour next penalty shootout as if it were a fine wine

AN England fan is planning to savour the team’s next penalty shootout as if it were a fine, vintage wine.

Nathan Muir confirmed that following last night’s game he no longer fears penalties because England are sure to win them, and next time will make sure he enjoys every delectable moment.

He continued: “Can you believe I was covering my eyes at points? So uncultured. So gauche.

“If we’re so lucky as to go to penalties against Sweden on Saturday, I won’t miss a moment. Even if they save one I may pause the broadcast to wallow in the despair that I know will shortly lift.

“I’ll relish every twist and turn as one would a thrilling rollercoaster ride, drinking in the adrenaline in the confidence that it’s perfectly safe because our boys will win beyond any doubt.

“I hope we miss the first one next time. That would give proceedings such a piquant sense of peril, before we inevitably triumph and go through to the semi-finals.”

He added: “Mmm, penalties. So moreish. I imagine this is just how Gareth Southgate feels.”

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Man with booze on display thinks he is cool

A MAN who has lined up some bottles of spirits in his kitchen thinks he is like a famous debauched singer from the 50s.

Tom Booker has lined up half a bottle of Famous Grouse next to the Pernod he got in duty free and some Bacardi left over from Christmas, and is strutting about like Dean Martin.

Booker said: “Having the drinks out and ready to go lets everyone know I’m an entertainer. Whisky is probably the coolest drink, so when people spot it out in plain sight like that they see me as the Don Draper character I definitely am.

“They can also tell straight away that I’m well travelled because the writing on the Pernod is in Spanish, and Bacardi makes you think of beaches.”

Booker has started referring to the corner of the kitchen worktop as ‘the back bar’ and has moved the toaster and kettle to the other side of the sink. He keeps the area clean of crumbs and does not allow squash to be stored there.

Booker continued: “Sometimes I think ‘What would Frank Sinatra do?’ and that’s when I make sure all the labels are facing forward.”